State of the Union address or why am i so F**ked up?

Oh boy. i don't know if i am qualified to be objective writing anything about anything dealing with the state of my health

my emotional health? physical health (what a joke. i mean you have not the scope to imagine the loads of pills and shots they expect me to be responsible for taking now)

my spiritual health?

wrapped in a ball i am numb
oh thank the stars i am asleep
yeah asleep all the time
not excited. not alive
asleep
drifting

am i sad? i might be. regretful i suppose... no sort of feeling like the brunt of that joke where the baby bird is happy to stand in a huge pile of Sh*t up to its neck. warm....

in a way i am happy
in a way i feel i am in control yeah
i mean its a useless control isn't it?
first control is the control of the fears i have around other people
especially from my Sisters
and of church people too
all of them i love
i think
i love to think i am loving them
actually i am attracted to them all yes very very... envy? i don't know
and they all disappoint
and i am afraid of getting hurt
so i avoid them
i am very SUCCESSFUL
at hiding from them all.
thus no stress
no fear
and i win

neck itch
the shit is way high now
and i am warm

my life is like this
but sometimes i smell the shit
i dream about how nice it wrould be if. if. if only...
i bet pastor #NateGrossman would have a field day with all this
the devil must be whispering in my ear
ha
can i get call waiting for the voices in my head?

don't tell me. don't
don't you dare tell me that this entry was a writing. i am not writing. see? cant. wont. its a sin
nope no sin, no writing
i have writers block after all

and that't the state of the Union for this moment