About journaling

About journaling / logging / Blogging or what is it we do here? To make report to help define and get out the ambitions and dreams and hopes we have? To publish.. our dirty underwear. There is a truth not that I have a good grasp on it but I feel it that when we are sick its due to secrets. And sick can be many things to different people one sick I feel is that I don’t get lots done that by the end of the week. Hell, by the end of the day or even the end of the shift we ask ourselves well, how did you do? What is the answer.. Fine.

Oh I am fine we say.. I say you are sick for stating such a weasel of a statement and it is a fact that one slogan of recovery states FINE means Fucked up insecure Neurotic and emotional so? How to combat the sick of being fine? Write it down.

Zig Ziggler stated that if it was never written down and documented then it was never done. I don’t know if this is so but many businesses have this statement on their wall in plain view they want documentation. So? I tried it. Just a tiny 3 by 5 note pad spiral bound found them for only 25 cents fill one page up with a list of things I am planning to achieve in the next day. Or next shift or next few hours here is my list for today I wrote when I got up with my coffee:

Verify Julianna will come
Ask $10 from Julie – loan
Listen to tape book – clan of the cave bear
Clean up for Cindy visit – dishes, make bed straiten
Study new phone
Study about journalizing
Work my start page
Brainstorm new domain: MaryLucille.info
Study new Wiki
Arrange photo album offline then upload to online
Blog
10:40 Julie
11am Doc
1pm Cindy
Mail letter to Wulf

So brainstorm my list is what I did, 16 items I wrote with coffee about 7am its 8:55 and already I have 4 ½ done. Am I fine? Nope, I am remarkably terrific and I have documentation that I thought, planned, listed, made action and achieved my tiny aims. Is this the same as a goal? Well, it can be the little toe of a goal I suppose. That is a topic I need to consider deeper what I am here to do today is to discuss the importance and meaning of journalizing. What is it what isn’t it?

Well I cant say there is a wrong way to do it but there is a meaningful structure to what it really represents and the above example is primarily the essence of all that Journalism should become for anyone. That we do think and we must air what we think. We are only as sick as our secrets if its only a thought then there is no shred of evidence that it can be will be may be or is permitted to become an action but in the mere instance that a thought becomes verbiage becomes a written or spoken work it is no longer a secret and there was an action taken though it is the smallest of the strokes it may be only a dream and yet are not great cities built by what once was only a dream? And how great a forest fire is set ablaze by a tiny spark?

So to begin a log. A log is just the dust of the structure of an achievable goal and the one key point I personally feel is that the expression of our dream must never be so cheaply presented. This is a point I try to get my friends and family to understand when they send me email which in all effort stinks as if they sent me a bag of shit. They forward jokes which are not funny the only thing that has motive is that at the end of this joke it states if you send this off to 6 people in 6 seconds you get a wish if you don’t you will die in blood in your sleep and I get very angry.

My father loves redirect and loves slogans and ideas to make men think, one thing he told me way back in grammar school was that if a man cant speak in a way that others can receive what he means its as if he didn’t speak at all. This being so, why do I get angry if what you say stinks? I suppose I should ignore you but I just.. I wont. I cant ignore it for I hope to find out that you live that you are well and that you are speaking words of life to me and telling me things that matter. Who knows? Perhaps you feel that telling me that I am to die in a pool of blood in my sleep is all you matter for? Nope.

So? Speech in itself has to be presentable that every word be specific and geared to the correct meaning. I enjoy the word vulgarity for it defines why we don’t use euphemisms like Fuck or Damn unless it truly emphasizes the full meaning of what the message was meant to do. If words like Fuck upsets you don’t feel all alone it disturbs me as well but one euphemism that I use and love the most is Fuck you if used right really wakes up the person who isn’t quite taking what I say as seriously and perhaps the moral of the story has a bit to do with my cutting ties with you if you think what I have to say as cheap.

I don’t use such harsh words a lot. And yet I listen for others if they use it and mean it? And most really do they wont use FU cheaply for they know “them’s fighting words” that what they have to say reflects who they are for it is truly what they believe and if we cant accept them for what is presented – fuck you! I totally love this but? I find that for the 40% who accept this ideal there will be 6 Christians in the group to totally use that statement as a “buzz-word” meaning they block all other things out and think of it as a “Freudian slip” and focus only on the vulgarity and twist it to state that there was nothing important to listen to unless all foul language can be removed.

That’s really sick of how some Christians believe and I know precisely why they do it for it was part of my redirect for a while however they prove their own ignorance have they ever looked the word vulgarity or vulgar up? I doubt it they only think the word fuck means devil or sin or perversion and they totally size up the meaning of the monologue or even the character of the man speaking just based on one word this is so very sad and this is what Christians have done to crime to delinquents to any new believer in their church, mess up once? You are black sheep bad. A goat no means of forgiveness.

Forgiveness? Cheap in their book to me forgiveness is a process and yeah fuck it I will have defects in my character my life and my experience for ages.. I learn to love myself more for them and I will curse and cuss and use harsh words and if you cant see in my eyes that I love you and am not out to cause harm that I don’t live in a way that presents threats then? Fuck you.

Vulgarity is a matter of English that we use descriptive words to explain the action or attitude of the subject. So she shops in the market like a child. Like a child is a descriptive statement talking about the womans' actions of shopping if it was vulgar then there is incongruence that you cant make sense to see how it makes sense if we state: She shops in a store like the sun warms the face? There is no sense it this so it is vulgar using foul language we then know the fuck means something to do with sexual intercourse or being cheated. She shops in the store like a fuck? Well I suppose either she is dressed provocatively or she is out to cheat someone as she shops but 8 to 10 fuck is vulgar in this sense.

One term I hear is “what the fuck?” quite simply it’s a way to state that whatever I just said or heard doesn’t make sense. Or that I feel that what was said is out to cheat me or confuse me and this is appropriate. When it gets to be anti-Christian is the argument that terms like this make my ears bleed (another euphemism) that in the presence of sensitive people young people, gentle people we don’t try to offend them with certain euphuism for they are attempting to only listen to edifying spiritual or age-appropriate words topics and ideals and I get so damn annoyed having to talk down to their level yes by god I feel that if I cant speak the way I think plainly that its nearly dishonest. If I need to say what the fuck? I would say it in church or a funeral or to a child. If I was thinking that you cant take what I say with a bit of merit then yes I say fuck you. But? I find that my sisters and their families along with others charge a higher price for my “French” I don’t get invited to family gatherings or they simply quit answering the phone so? Like a piglet being socially reprimanded by being ignored I suppose for their sake I have to learn other forms of euphemism. So I say “Fluck it” or “Fluck a duck” but I am always curious for new colorful metaphors.

Okay so back to logging. Writing and brainstorming every start of my day is ideal to get me to know that I cant just say fine at the end. But it cants stop there.

Mid-day I go over that list circling all the things I did and I seek a reward of sorts. Then I rewrite that list including the things I haven’t yet attempted or the things I did only part way into new statements but I am careful to present it in a way… that it can be well received by me. No cheap emails even for me! Full sentences written in black heavy pen with good penmanship

My mid day rewards are silly, buying soda or coffee at a shop is cheap but.. it works that I am being served and I get to meet new people.

A less expensive one is to learn a new joke. Can be done online or a joke book I just keep reading until I start to laugh. Find how it may fit into my own life then I memorize it. I don’t have to do it word for word just takes a telling of 3 times and its becomes part of me. I love learning new jokes especially if it fits into my recovery as we are all asked to speak during meetings if I can put a joke into my talk it really livens up the whole meeting.

Next part of logging is the aims. I have aims that? I don’t know the full picture of. Its like I have a vision of a dream that is the goal the aim is the path I must take along the way. This path is riddled with challenges obstacles and as well lessons and resources that I pick up along the way. The log begins as a list of objects to achieve, but in essence am I not calculating the riddle? Am I not having to do work to overcome challenge am I not making use of the resources destiny has provided? Am I not always in a state of observation learning and re-sorting what I see like a student? All this is the footwork of my path in order to gain more clarity of the dream.

So? Its not a waste of time when the notes are all done I see trends. First off there are some items I keep putting off. Why? Perhaps it simply isn’t part of my path that it may be something another person is trying to get me to do but that for some reason my mind keeps thinking that it isn’t so meaningful so I keep putting it off. But I keep writing it down so? Yeah eventually I have to make a choice and I do usually in that choice of not doing it I have thought about it fully like the riddle and I see where some activities habits interests and jobs really have little to do with my own spiritual goals so? I scratch it out. But never without a bit of a Blog stating that I have chosen to let this one drop and how it has helped me to stick to my guns.

Then I look at the circled items is this more than one path? Usually I see the path from 3 different angles and it appears that I am traveling many different paths but no after years and years I see that it was always only one set of footprints. But the view of the path sometimes gets mixed up I call these views the color power. Green is the view from nature or spirit Silver is the view from eternity or heaven, White is the view from my mind what I can really touch today and must deal with on a daily basis there could be other angles I suppose, Pink I say are from other peoples points of view and Brown from animals or objects which are intelligent in spirit but as far as really motivating me to do it from my inner man I don’t deal with pink brown gray or blue. Just white mainly and I try to incorporate silver as much as I can if worship and scripture can be incorporated into my message it always helps to feel that I am walking in a blessing. From Green I see things as recovery and healing nearly all that I do has something to do with either my being more fit or my healing and helping another’s fitness but in all honesty I live by myself so? White is where I live most the time here and now.

So the aims is where I begin the Blog the actual thinking about why do I make this choice what is the evil of the truth the truth of the evil? How is it I can define what I will do in fitness tomorrow based on the inclinations of today and how best can I observe what I see today based on what I am inclined to have done in the past? All this is analyzing and yet? Its honesty. That was the point airing out the secret don’t let it just be an illusion if you can write it, if you can speak it and its received then its not a secret now. And it forces your mind. Okay it forces my mind to not be cheap with these thoughts.

Anything worth doing right is worth doing yourself in reverse then if you are willing to do it yourself you may as well settle for it to be done as right as you can. Anything worth having and holding is worth working for. Therefore as I present my aims to the paper. Then to my journal offline then copy it up to online Blogging that is really presenting my thoughts. And I have to say it. If you don’t like what you read – fuck you.

The Fight, The Line & the Choice

This may be a long post or perhaps I will break it up but I intend to talk about 3 very vital beliefs I have of my own life, useful and sensible and yet? Perhaps ironic as they are all virtual or superimposed realities. One is the cognizance of 2 very dominate personalities in one body, second deals with the necessity of despair in keeping the outer man from driving me insane, finally how to disengage and detach from anger and annoyance by fully embracing passionately holding it experiencing the gifts of it then.. allowing yourself to consume the energy lest in reverse you are the one consumed.
All 3 beliefs are cognizant meaning they are ideals which are proved to be observable by my own empirical experiences, in a nut shell it goes beyond simply stating well it works for me they stinking saved my life and continue to do so. Can it be I have created a religion? Well if I were the master and you were my student I suppose before I let you eat or sleep we would likely breech these 3 as new lights on an old pile of chit. Hoping of course you don’t argue for it is as real as any religious beliefs.
The 2 persons I find little argument in religion about. Many will cop to the idea we have a spiritual nature that we have an inner voice or some will say higher self.. I just say I am in essence.. a worm
Okay that may be abrupt but it was like a worm and we all were shot from a penis rushed thru a party of 2 million others and it was only I who took the egg. Coincidence? Math? No I say I may have had a choice and it was the will of this little guy who said yes I shall live.. I give him full respect and I say he is responsible for the start of the game as we say that the father started the cosmic game. In reflection therefore? It’s the worm who will be responsible for loosing the game if ever he chooses that it no longer suits him.
This one threat I suppose is why the other components of my soul all seem to respect me, in a patronizing way the biggest element is my own brain who thinks he is so smart he calls himself the mind. He may be. In a very rudimentary form all that can be expected of a mind but honey he is the most annoying son of a.. hmm well we don’t always get along.
But I cant so sort my life out to where he is in control and I am not therefore responsible no that is where this theory would drop into the realm of a psychosis if I drink and black out? Ah.. no I say I am still going to have to pay no getting out of it.
Respect is where I know I can commit to do what I say I can do and not fail.
If I can respect my own abilities I can respect my commitment. This is the essence of respect. Self respect. I think that where we go wrong is to imply that failing to honor in actions and attitudes reveals a belief that you are not thinking my word is genuine. But to state you have no respect means in my book you don’t respect yourself not that you cant honor another. Human ideals so dynamic they make up the rules as they go very frustrating I say have them look it up.. I did.
Okay well, there are 2 people different natures both think they are true real and valid and they ah.. well fight. And I will talk quite a bit about this later. But to simplify I am Jerry the core of power in my soul invisible… Jerald or Lord Jerald is well, ah lets just leave it there. He is responsible for well all that really can be seen in well what you see of me. Nice thing is he doesn’t talk much. Bad thing is that if he does have chit to say? Ah well a picture is worth a thousand words he does get his point across. So it behooves me to placate.
Placation is an art, a skill takes thought and can lead to disappointment if you are in a rush. In short Jerald can be sold. Very impulsive easily takes in anyone willing to amuse him and you know I will argue against the logic of making your decisions based on cartoons? Well he is just this way.
He will believe anything.. it gets to be so bad I don’t even want to discuss anything to do with belief.. and yet? Ah he has saved my life so many times I feel well like it was a monster who was kind to me and now has decided to move in and run my life.. ah. It can be a real b*tch!
Self talk can be a real key to dealing with the real man. And this cant go on vacation if he says he is worried sing a silly don’t worry be happy tune. Counter him or he will obsess! On anything he will obsess. Idol hands are the devils tools this is key sage wisdom, keep him busy but! Don’t try to hold the truth from him. Don’t play a game of well if you do this then.. good or bad it will bit you in the butt!
Jerald needs to keep things huge or he will forget. And ah well I don’t always want to keep him amped up thinking huge it gets carried away so? We both forget. Write it down for god sake don’t argue make a rule that if its not written it wont be done right. Don’t make silly excuses. It is far easier to manage him and your own laziness if you simply give each other the permit to forget after you scheduled it and you wont be so stressed out either. Does this guarantee any degree of success? I cant say yes however if you don’t see the wisdom of planning your steps you are not taking any responsibility in training your real man or brain so how can you appreciate the rewards when they are presented? Accountability, 100% accountability is not only a law of heaven it is deep magic of Gaia. If you want to be happy with your reward you will have to chalk up the idea you did plant this seed. But timing really isn’t in my hands it has to be accepted if there are rules (and there are) then there had to be someone to write the rules and honey it aint you.
We aspire thru dreams desires and a thirst for passion, conversely we commit to the restraint of selfishness thru the concern of self preservation. Might be fun to go sky diving without a parachute but? Ah most monkeys will catch on long before what if… and ah the idea of the splat comes in and it’s a no brainer we just wont do it unless this fear of detriment is fully covered. Well for the majority.
Jerald as I said would by ice in a snow storm if led astray or if the seller is cute. Easily persuaded and it is.. well funny.. but then again impulse buying well he just doesn’t see we needed that money or we needed to be elsewhere… hmm so? I have to block him if I can.. screaming aloud don’t you see you are killing me?
Ah well that usually gets his attention but? Ah he doesn’t always let go of that ice idea as valid. See what I am up against?
Themes along this line of how I have found ways to conjure new beliefs which he will hold to.. for a while may be a larger part of this Blog. Alas it comes down to the same math I will claim I am more sensible and balance the needs of all my soul in relation to what life is telling me for today? He will counter that he is more reasonable and he too is balancing but? On the idea that the world socialization self-image is as valid a concern as my argument and ah.. I suppose he is correct. How can I tell him that my ideas is more valid? I cant.
So I cheat.
Ouch.. yes I cheat because I know he cant see the supernatural. He can imagine he does he can take my descriptions and make cartoons but he just cant. Not that he wont its not a choice he is flesh with eye sockets not an invisible being like me so? I ah.. fib. I take the idea of hope and turn it around. Selling him a grand story he sits and listens intently and then the moral of it is… and by this time I have him pegged. I use despair which is the reverse of hope. I try to get him to imagine how better an image he has for not going to buy ice… or not getting caught buying ice… and ah. He just lets it lay. For a day.. I have to remind him I swear on the angels he will bring it up every morning unless I have him busy..
The line as I was calling it earlier the line of despair is.. logically illogical there is no true line but it really works.. my life? Is like a bubble inside a realm I just call today the world I am in the world not of the world but the bubble I have is well the world I permit inside the bubble but in all fact no its just the parts of the world I have succeeded in keeping Jerald from venturing out in because if there is any belief he likes in my stories he sure identifies with “curious George”.
The line is mobile not so fixed not so defined as a strait line. And it will ease up in company I can trust to cover for me if Jerald gets too like a curious George and I find my foot in my mouth. But essentially I do try to keep a hold on him this self restraint is not something so easily achieved in fact I will go on to say it isn’t natural. Self restraint is white knuckles.. but? There is promise.. self control is one of the spiritual fruits. And yeah I have found that in a real battle.. it gets easier..
Keep him busy with spirituality? He wont screw up in fact he is the essential healer he heals me and doesn’t even see when he does it.
Are you lost? Spirituality is not the same as the supernatural in my story. And I will tell you more of that in a while.
True Anger is a green energy where as true madness is an energy refined by Heaven. So? There are 2 big influences and rather than getting into arguments with theologians lets just call them by their magical colors silver is glory and green is nature.
Mother Nature in my story is not gentle she is a get’er’done kind of woman when she sees her planet in danger she is more likely to ignore that there are monkeys getting hurt in her fix or allowing a new volcano or earthquake to let of steam this is her way.
Anger is the energy we draw upon in our fight and flight response to a threat and it is the most natural animalistic thing we share with all beings where there is a deadly force we so call upon the webs of life and hold on? Its like biting into an electrical cord we will get the energy and as a result of anger the first thing to go? Is the minds ability to calmly and rationally make a balance between consequences which in my book are stupid to even worry on in the first place. Alas it is usually seen as out of control or a crime of passion.
Anger therefore is where the brain is? Ah well blanked out. This implies tons of things. The brain is the place sensitive to pain he worries over pain and will try to protect us using reason instead of logic. But? Now he cant he wont want food or sleep he will have asked us take over because? Well the power as I said is rushing thru us from me to all of my bodily environment and he may seem stupid at times but he isn’t ignorant. We don’t mess with spiritual powers in the flesh.
Madness is both positive and negative and we will discuss this more in depth. But it is the reverse polarity of Anger. Here is where the might of heaven descends physically on the brain or real man to the extent that its not only me who is in a fit of hell no it is my other components in my soul.. the heart especially and the inner spirit who suffers. And the result of this imbalance even for a small break is that we have broke off with reality this trauma can lead to psychosis, anxiety disorder even longer range to suicide and drug abuse. (been there done that!)
The bitterness of understanding that where the brain or the will is neglected in any venture be it ill and threatening or aspiring to new heights if its not a team effort the only reward we will see in the eternal perspective will be loss and grief. There has to be a hold from both and its unwise to tamper with madness or anger these powers are for gods not mortals… so lets say not yet.
The key to fixing this is not the same way where I try to foil him using despair. In despair the idea is don’t go there no with anger and madness we embrace it and attempt to find any tiny thing we can believe have already beloved and have trust full trust in the idea that yes we were warned and prepared therefore? There are others higher up who are in control.
This take on trauma is not so easy to pack into a simple pill and sell, no it takes the kind of cognizance which counselors seem to have gotten behind upon. You must learn to see that if hind sight is 20/20 we cant just then take it for granted wake up and smell the DOGBLAM coffee. And get on with your life, don’t just sit in the effects of trauma see there is good in every evil and that in truth there will be evil. As in evil there will be truth and for every good pure truth there is evil implied all 4 ideals must be explored and this may take an older wiser monkey to help you get off the pot or shit. Unfortunately? The shit may take your life. I say let it ride you don’t have to obsessively attempt to win that war just let it lay there. Grow beyond.
So there will be trauma. And if you are a monkey you will get hurt its par for the course. But we heal.
The effect is not the point of the game.. ah.. so perhaps we are blind to the game and focus only on the pain? Yeah!
So look back who else was involved was there any message if there was no hurt was there a message? There always is a message we just overlook it.
Look back was there a warning usually there are 3 major warnings before a catastrophe and if you can see it.. honey you may have suffered but you are getting faith! Holy crap. You were warned? In a dream? Some coincidental conversation you overheard? A bill board or even a fortune cookie.. don’t close your eyes off. We see into the supernatural you could have prevented it..
2nd key is a fun one it is profound and obnoxious.. just ask yourself are you dead yet? Always makes me laugh.. nope they aint got me yet…
HELLNO and until that day… (I have tears) until the day I give in.. for it was me who said I shall live.. until that day baby I say.
Live it up!
LJW 11June07

Self Entitlement of an imagined title

Where did all this Chitty monkey chit come from and whose mother will come to clean it all up?
Well? There may not be any chit chat shit or crap meant to be.. rejected and perhaps life is only the dance of the monkey who realizes it was all meant to be a joke anyhow? Is this your reality?
Well likely its not. Likely on most days its not mine either because for "DOG’S sake" we just cant let there be any chit… hmm meaning that real me has to deal with reality which is mainly where we are all to agree as if it were a fact life is a Chit. Yet? Is this only rationalization? Does it have hard evidence? Nope. It has no Logic is not therefore legal. Yes I validate it is real for most and their excuses are stubborn so may as well have no opinion on their approaches but HELLNO will I live in it.. Life? Is Living among the living who are in the know that we are meant only to dance sing joke kiss hug screw because this is the curse of the monkey… we love too DOGBAM deep and if we don’t express our care we implode and soon will be walking around so dead that it would be we are getting our wish along with so many Christian songs, “I hope to Die” they sing… qualifying its okay they add “and go to heaven”. Makes little logic to this old monkey may as well say I hope to go to heaven and then die?
Oh this makes rational scene if all my thoughts revolve around cartoons I can agree oh sure I see it…. But then I have to go and count my toes and ask does it add up? Nope no logic to it just a cartoon. And we know cartoon monkeys have fewer fingers than we do so? Ah no this doesn’t make up what I call my true inner wisdom and it wont do anything to get me to produce a true healing.
I will talk more about how the inner monkey is Reiki and due to our caring curse we must live to heal all the time. This is the pattern for our primal self and pulling out of this pattern well? No way.. HELLNO way. How can I jump from my own skin? But this is.. well a much more advanced topic to explain. Fact it children know this is the way and nobody had to teach it. We are monkeys we must interact in the healing dance or we never get healed ourselves.
I believe that monkeys are not meant to be a mighty beast. HELLNO!! most prone to accident, easily harmed, acquire diseases easily and cant tell a poison on instinct. But? We have the healing hands no other animal has it. We don’t have might but we have this quality of rooting ourselves down deep into the green magic’s a deep magic which holds us in the storm though we are ripped at and we do get hurt? We can recover. We will recover.. and that which wont kill us? Ha.. made me stronger..
Strength therefore to me is not the force of the punch it is the fact that I likely am never to agree when you ask are you dead yet? Nope I cant say its me who holds to the tree of life... the root now is more like a hand which grabs me in reverse. How am I so lucky? I just don’t say no to it any more. In fact when it comes to this basic monkey business topic I would say the idea and word NO is the most hostile word ever made.
So I don’t say dead. Wont say its over.. killed yes I have been separated from love many times.. like the footprints poem feeling disconnected and it is a hell.. but kill? Its not dead not yet no way HELLNO.
Joy and Peace to my brother Monkeys. And kisses to my sisters. Lord Jerald the Wise 10June07