oh oh moods. yes moods.

Some days i feel
feel like this
what?

can anyone explain?
nope
ah well
i don't feel like this now
Hallelujah

State of the Union address or why am i so F**ked up?

Oh boy. i don't know if i am qualified to be objective writing anything about anything dealing with the state of my health

my emotional health? physical health (what a joke. i mean you have not the scope to imagine the loads of pills and shots they expect me to be responsible for taking now)

my spiritual health?

wrapped in a ball i am numb
oh thank the stars i am asleep
yeah asleep all the time
not excited. not alive
asleep
drifting

am i sad? i might be. regretful i suppose... no sort of feeling like the brunt of that joke where the baby bird is happy to stand in a huge pile of Sh*t up to its neck. warm....

in a way i am happy
in a way i feel i am in control yeah
i mean its a useless control isn't it?
first control is the control of the fears i have around other people
especially from my Sisters
and of church people too
all of them i love
i think
i love to think i am loving them
actually i am attracted to them all yes very very... envy? i don't know
and they all disappoint
and i am afraid of getting hurt
so i avoid them
i am very SUCCESSFUL
at hiding from them all.
thus no stress
no fear
and i win

neck itch
the shit is way high now
and i am warm

my life is like this
but sometimes i smell the shit
i dream about how nice it wrould be if. if. if only...
i bet pastor #NateGrossman would have a field day with all this
the devil must be whispering in my ear
ha
can i get call waiting for the voices in my head?

don't tell me. don't
don't you dare tell me that this entry was a writing. i am not writing. see? cant. wont. its a sin
nope no sin, no writing
i have writers block after all

and that't the state of the Union for this moment

FYI or Blah Blah Blah

Writing. i love. i love to write. or
now that its been about 2 stinking years since i wrote anything satisfying i love to think i liked to write
and i used to write like a mad man

now it's like i love to dream about how good writing made me feel when i wrote
what happened?

I recall a dream
a nightmare
the devil was in it
he was cute actually
his whole team was wonderful to me
in fact i was having a blast with him

then Jesus had to show up
they fought
and they said they were fighting over me

ooh\
made my day to feel important
but

something clicks in me
its like it was a message
Jesus was unhappy with the direction my motivation was taking
and was willing to fight the devil for me

i have little clue how real my interpretation of all this really was meant to mean really i don't

but i wake up and i am wet with sweat
and shaking
and i get on the floor and began to pray
pray pray pray
it was spooky
fear of god?
i think that day i learned the meaning of that one
so
i aimed to turn my life around
that which i was pleased by in my writing. which i admit had been ruling my life (an idol) had to go
so i stopped writing altogether

okay
where was I
writing
i miss the stinking F**k out of writing
i dream of writing
of writing dreams
yes #NateGrossman and writing about sex and magic and money and ego.
church would not like what i had to say about all this
but i cant
i just cant write
its wrong
its a sin

wow

talk about old tapes
hmm

more later
? or not